Zepdragon's Blog

George and the Way Things Were

zepdragon — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:05:40 +0000

Oh lordy I’m tired, but happy. I’ve embarked on a regime of tidying and putting away. I’ve done this many times and without success. I say without success because I just create more mess. I create mess faster and so much more efficiently than I tidy-up or put stuff away. This time feels different. I think this time it just might stick.

Why? I hear you all chorus. Because there’s a great sense of change. Change in my life and my world. It feels as if all is coming to be accounted for. Lots of stuff from the past coming to call again and everything is in the past I feel at this time. Everything seems to be a long time ago. Retrospectives abound. I do have a great sense of moving-on in everyway.

Wow I watched a lot of movies this weekend. The last two Harry Potter’s which were good and a good end to a very good run. The Guard which was superb and a definite one to watch. Senna which was very interesting and very very good. Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy, with Gary Oldman who I didn’t think would be very good but I’m happy to say he proved me wrong. Capt., America was OK.

Good few days off. I earned a few extra bob and got stuff done. But work beckons. Desk is clear and the room is getting there so some things that have been waiting in the wings should be appearing.

Not sure what is happening with J we are quite relaxed in our communications but I’m not sure what’s going on with us. Or maybe I should say, me? I love her as much as ever but it seems to have plateaued. Or should I say bottomed out?

Moving Reasons

zepdragon — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 04:09:14 +0000

The end of something like a decade, or a year a century or a life always brings forward a heightened awareness of life.

I find I know when something is coming to an end. I knew when I was going to leave my home town of Cardiff for the last time and never live there again. I knew before I went to it when I was going to my last ship.
I get a sense of an event, a way-point or disturbance coming up. Somethings I have no idea what it is that’s about to happen, I just know something is coming up.

My love life, private life call it whatever has gone into a surreal world of confusion and frustration.
I don’t know where I stand with my ex and I don’t know what I should do about a possible connection elsewhere.
I’m trying to put all romantic and sexual concerns on hold. I want to get my project off the ground and move on. Move on from the Lodge and my job. Crikey I hate the both so much.
Why is it that so much in life is so clear when it’s behind you?

Later . . .

zepdragon — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 00:46:42 +0000

When all the hollowing yowling and gnashing of teeth has run outa steam and the savage breast needs soothing of course we turn to . . . . . . music.

Friday Night Greens

zepdragon — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:29:19 +0000

I did, today, one of those stupid things one does when ones heart is breaking post relationship break-up.

I got an app called SMS Export. It makes your iPhone spew all your text messages out in a form you can paste into a spread sheet or a text editor like Word.
I have in the last two years sent and received over eighteen thousand text messages! Most of which went to and came from Jude.
Reading selectively I found something I didn’t expect to find. From about August 2010 she and I increasingly bickered and argued about my ex Maggie and a friend Fiona. Jude was and still is madly jealous of both of them. She has no reason to be jealous.
My surprise concerns the amount and the suddenness of the decent into conflict over nothing.
It’s almost like she wants to argue. She wants conflict about anything. She wants to prove that really all along I’m only posing as someone in love with her. I’m hood winking her I don’t really love her, I’m just acting.
I’m not a total innocent myself. I must see if there is a trigger to this behaviour of hers.
At this point in time there is little or nothing of Jude to be seen. She’s invisible in a cyber world sense.
There’s a homily on her daughters FB profile from Nob Marley, saying, truth is everybody will hurt you, it just depends on which one is worth suffering for.

The In’s And Out’s Of Up’s And Down’s

zepdragon — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 02:51:42 +0000

My own head and what’s in it never ceases to amaze me. Last Monday I had the blackest day for years. Tuesday wasn’t much better. It manifested itself as if J and I had broken-up that day. It was the break-up from the beginning all over again and worse.

I felt totally hopeless and my insanely optimistic mood of the last year had evaporated. My solidly held belief that deep down J still loved me and it was up to me to make a situation where we could be together and happy, was replaced with what many wiser people might call reality. It was over, she has no affection for me whatsoever.
In the afternoon this all became physical. Flash headaches, pains in my back, abdomen, neck and limbs. Disorientation, dizziness, I felt as if I was about to burst into tears about four times during the afternoon and everything seemed hopeless.
Where had all this come from? I liked my deluded world of reconciliation and happy ever after. My right fore arm was a mass of insect bites and my appetite was all but gone.
When I got home I went straight to bed and slept. But not particularly well.
My perception of the world was totally changed.
When you think of someone you have a mental picture of them. They have size, colour,and a pose. I do anyway. I wonder if the image reflects anything about how they are, and how they regard you and you them?
Day with no work tomorrow. Saturday is Rob’s remembrance. that’s going to be strange. Back in Bewdley and Kinlet where I spent so much time at George and Cheryl’s place. OMG so many years ago. The seventies!

Doveland

zepdragon — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 22:06:11 +0000

An early start the champagne light in my room, and the sounds of early rising activity from the kitchen. Timmy was pottering about as I put the kettle on to boil. Timmy got a bacon sandwich going I poured a bowl of cereal and the gloom rolled up.
He paced and fidgeted around the kitchen until he got the guts to ask to come with us to Dovedale. of course he was allowed to come with us.
He Not-Worked last night and was Not Working tonight and walking in Dovedale in between so we didn’t ask initially. This is Gloom playing at life and going with us just to prove he could.
I drove. I drove too fast most of the way there. Carpark was nearly empty as we left and headed north along the Dove. The path was slippery and mottled with dark loamy mulched leaf litter. The sky dull silver crazed by dark wet branches. We walked we talked. I walked alone and left Gloom to chat with Timmay. gloom had as was predictable, fucked the day in the arse with a frosted mop.
It got busy about lunch time. We stopped in Milldale where I bought snacks. Sausage roll for Gloom, coffee and pasty for me. We wandered on a little, played pooh sticks at a bridge. We walked back to Milldale. We toiletted and walked back. It was really busy by the time we walked back to the car park where Gloom bought us ice creams.

All the time I was thinking about, missing, looking out for, and dreading meeting J. Every blond bob I saw I looked expecting dreaded and hoped it would or wouldn’t be J. If any of the blond heads had turned out to be J I don’t know what I would have done especially had she been with a male adult I didn’t know. A man arm in arm, or holding hands.
This is the classic case of an affair being over, but being unable to let go.
She’s told me that when the practical side of a relationship gets difficult then her feelings wane. But not that her feelings for me wane. But why else tell me that? If it didn’t refer to ‘us’.

Why

zepdragon — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:26:40 +0000

Why anything? Why do I care about her, when she appears to care nothing for me? Why do people talk across me as if I am not even there? Why do I excuse behaviour that I should protest? Why am I not more selfish, self-seeking and successful?

These Aren’t Going to Wash Themselves

zepdragon — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 19:04:31 +0000

Well I was wondering why I got a meal cooked for me last night. Tonight Glum has taken the night off work. He didn’t want to do a take-away curry which Timmay and I wanted to, no he wanted to go out on the town tonight. I normally dip out of trips into town so I got the meal last night and Glum thought he’d get the evening on the town alone with Timmay.
Did he orchestrate that or am I just adding two and two and getting 22?
He did see his arse the other week when I didn’t as he thought go to work one Sunday night, but went with Timmay to see a film and a bite to eat. My take was that he thought he’d get an evening with Tim and I’d be at work. I couldn’t understand why he was so incensed when he was told Tim and I were out eating and catching a movie.

So we begin saturday night curry take away stop in night. Oh joy.

To See or Not to See

zepdragon — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 00:11:27 +0000

Sometime since I was here and such a change has come about in two areas of my life.

A dear friend of mine has died. We hadn’t met for two and bit years now but had kept in touch via Skype. Many a giggling, naughty schoolboy in the back of the class subversive chat did we have over the cloud. I always sort him out in the group we were a party to once a year which he named. Le Plod Annuel, Now a bunch of ageing old guys meeting once a year to walk, talk and fork food and pour drink down our necks.
It seems only yesterday . . . .

He and I had a natural affinity having the same pomposity puncturing sense of humour, same total lack of respect for assumed authority, and we shared the very same birthday.
Now I’m going through the, “I can’t believe he’s not there anymore,” process in my head.

J and I are exchanging regular texts since my replacement was found to be a criminal and has morphed into a stalker. We have met, in a pub we met in a couple of times during the good times. A strange event which happened fairly soon after the crim’s ‘outing’.
Now what do I think of J? What do I think of our relationship? Not sure.
Her birthday is coming up and she’s throwing a party which I thought of the theme for, ironically. Do I go? What, I wondered, would I feel if we slid towards the bed? And did the deed? Her having let the crim into her garden and dumped me for that. That someone who treated her so shallow, and now harasses her to reclaim a chattel not as she were a real human individual. A person in her own right. He hunts her like an absconded piece of live stock that’s his of right.
Now I feel it’s her should come to me and prove her feelings to me if we should rekindle the flame but, she’s unsure of herself. So should it be me to bolster her sense of self-worth? Or should I even bother, with the thought that she could reprise her desertion is it worth pursuing at reconciliation?
Am I the biggest fool on the planet for still loving her? Do I love her or is this a matter of injured pride?

Getting It Out

zepdragon — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 23:04:55 +0000

Lying as you do, in bed, in the aura of the bedside lamp before one turns it off, I wonder to myself.

I wonder why with all this great insightful, introspective, philosophical, self-awareness I seem to amass over the course of a day, can’t I lay it on the page, so to speak. The moment is quiet and the world well over there out of the way so why can’t I summon up the wherewithal to get it out?
Back to Harry Hole and his quarry the snowman.